Marriage transforms partners from erotically charged Others into the Same

Evidence

Moreover, even in cases where carnal love exists before marriage or awakens at the beginning of the marriage, it is very rare for it to last many long years. Certainly fidelity is necessary for sexual love, since the two lovers’ desire encompasses their singularity; they do not want it contested by outside experiences, they want to be irreplaceable for each other; but this fidelity has meaning only as long as it is spontaneous; and spontaneously, erotic magic dissolves rather quickly. The miracle is that it gives to each of the lovers, in the instant and in their carnal presence, a being whose existence is an unlimited transcendence: and possession of this being is undoubtedly impossible, but at least each of them is reached in a privileged and poignant way. But when individuals no longer want to reach each other because of hostility, disgust, or indifference between them, erotic attraction disappears; and it dies almost as surely in esteem and friendship: two human beings who come together in the very movement of their transcendence through the world and their common projects no longer need carnal union; and further, because this union has lost its meaning, they are repelled by it. The word “incest” that Montaigne pronounces is very significant. Eroticism is a movement toward the Other, and this is its essential character; but within the couple, spouses become, for each other, the Same; no exchange is possible between them anymore, no giving, no conquest. If they remain lovers, it is often in embarrassment: they feel the sexual act is no longer an intersubjective experience where each one goes beyond himself, but rather a kind of mutual masturbation. … That they consider each other a necessary tool for the satisfaction of their needs is a fact conjugal politeness disguises but which bursts out when this politeness is rejected, for example in observations reported by Dr. Lagache in his work The Nature and Forms of Jealousy:* the wife regards the male member as a certain source of pleasure that belongs to her, and she guards it in as miserly a way as the preserves she stores in the cupboard: if the man gives some away to a woman neighbor, there will be no more for her; she looks at his underwear to see if he has not wasted the precious semen. — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1193

Categorization

• DEFINE: Beauvoir’s core distinction: eroticism requires Otherness, and marriage collapses the spouse into the Same, killing desire.
• XREF: This opposes Sartre’s account of desire as a project toward the Other in Being and Nothingness; connecting them grounds Beauvoir’s divergence from Sartre more than earlier chapters did. — connects to: Marriage annexes women to the husband’s universe — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1109; Convention-based marriage cannot reliably generate love or lifelong sexual satisfaction — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1191; Married partners invent erotic fantasies to restore the alterity marriage erased — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1194 (+4 more)

Broader Connections

• Married partners invent erotic fantasies to restore the alterity marriage erased #expands (0.95) — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1194
• Spousal sex becomes mutual masturbation rather than intersubjective exchange #exemplifies (0.85)
• Supposed frigidity in marriage functions as a covert weapon against male domination #corroborates (0.70) — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1304