Shared isolation rather than perfect understanding is the basis of real intimacy

Evidence

The key to forging good relationships that reduce feelings of existential isolation and loneliness is to have the goal of getting to know another person rather than the goal of meeting your own needs. And the therapist’s relationship with the client should ideally serve as a model of what that endeavor looks like. Yalom, following Austrian-born Israeli philosopher Martin Buber, calls it an I-thou relationship rather than an I-it one. By getting to know someone as a whole person rather than a need fulfiller, you can come to realize that the other person as just as ultimately alone as you are. But you now have that in common. Once you accept the limited knowledge you can have of each other, you can then feel close to and love someone, and be loved by them. Love doesn’t eliminate all divides between people, but it allows one to value and be valued, and to feel connected to another person who is in the same existential boat that you are in, thereby minimizing feelings of anxiety and loneliness. — Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg, Tom Pyszczynski, The Worm at the Core, 753

Categorization

• APHORISMS: A genuinely counterintuitive life-advice: pursue knowing the other, not having your needs met — and shared aloneness is the actual ground of love.
• XREF: connects to: Marriage promises a shared refuge but leaves both spouses alone — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1277