Children’s refusal to visit a parent often signals loyalty conflict, not real objections

Evidence

Try to see in the other parent first and foremost the father/mother of your child and not your ex-partner. You may be angry because he/she behaved badly, hurt you, lied to you and cheated on you. There were reasons why the relationship failed. Still, the person can be a good father/mother for the child you have together. Try to stay on the parenting level and not keep bringing in old hurts and conflicts from the couple level. This is much easier said than done, but if you yourself want to be a good father/mother to your child, then this is an essential contribution. When a child says, “I don’t want to go to daddy/mommy,” this can also be an expression of the conflict of loyalty. Can I go to my dad’s/mom’s house, or will you be angry with me? Can I have a good time there, too? A statement such as: “I want you to go to your dad’s/mom’s house, and I want you to be happy and have fun there,” can relieve a child of this burden. — Holm Gero Hümmler, Ulrike Schiesser, Fact and Prejudice, 503

Categorization

• ADDENDUM: The loyalty-conflict mechanism parallels the sacrifice chapter’s insight that children become collateral in adult identity wars — here the ‘relieving phrase’ offers a concrete counter-practice.